Follow me on twitter!

Connect with Facebook

Sections:

Top Ten Movies impossible to get through without masturbating

(UPDATE 1/19/2012 – I’ve been getting flamed for my poor writing mechanics, so I’ve changed this list a bit. Also, check out the top twenty masturbating movie list.)

10. Brown Bunny


 

I don’t know if this movie needs an introduction. I think most people who look at dirty stuff on the internet have come across the blow job scene. Chloe Sevigny gives Vincent Gallo a real blow job.

There are numerous sex scenes throughout the movie, but nothing compares with the blow job scene.

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Top Ten Films of the 2000s

What a wonderful decade in movies. Picking the best ten will be nearly impossible. But here we go…

10. Children of Men – 2006

I was already a huge fan of Alfonso Cuaron and was looking forward to Children of Men on its release. Children of Men is the best science fiction movie of the the decade. Better than Avatar? You bet. It can almost be called as much as a bold visual achievement. It is hard to write about it without talking about the long takes, but I have to. They’re amazing. Faked, but amazing. Moreover, taking Cinéma vérité into a post- apocalyptic word with such undeniable success is nothing short of audacious. What a miracle this film got a green light. It probably only made back its budget, but it is a cinematic treasure.

9. Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind – 2004

You could say Michel Gondry’s film is science-fiction, which it is. You could also say it is a romantic-comedy, which it is. Regardless, it is a spectacular film about love and the devastation of break-ups. My brother often comments that it is the best romantic comedy of all time. Macho men might avoid this because of its tenderness, but it is truly a universal movie. Both men and women will enjoy the emotional core created by Jim Carry and Kate Winslet. The dialogues in Carry’s mind between the two are heartbreaking, yet wonderfully true to life. What’s the word? Oh, yeah. Bittersweet.

8. Lost in Translation – 2003

I dismissed this film at first. I don’t know why. I assume it is the arrogance of youth (I was 17 back then). I had also lived in Asia myself and couldn’t avoid comparing my own extraordinary story with Sofia Coppola’s. What a wonderful movie though. I hate to call it existential, but it really is. It is the kind of greatness you are not at ease describing. No story could be more simple. Two people are lonely, they find each other in a foreign city, spend only a week together, and are changed forever. There is no sex, but something more powerful, almost spiritual in a non-religious sense. The final scene might feel like a cop out, but who really cares?

7. Mulholland Drive – 2001

Mulholland Drive is Lynch’s greatest film. Many might have come across the lesbian sex scenes from this movie on porn sites. I know I have. But before discussing the movie, one has to discuss the sex. It is the sexiest, most character-driven intercourse put to film. Moreover, it is also a haunting story of Hollywood and a spiritual sequel to Sunset Boulevard. Its weirdness will alienate some, but stick with it.

6. Once

I am a musical fanatic. My brother is certainly not, but nonetheless forced me to sit down and watch a no-budget musical that he loved. It is truly a masterpiece. A musical for ever person that every claimed they love music. It understands the power of music and the outlet it provides for the artists that play it. Like Lost in Translation, the story is so simple, so universal. Two people are incredibly lonely. They meet. Play music with each other and go their separate ways. I think it was Woody Allen who said the only romantic love is unfulfilled? So true.

5. Pan’s Labrynth – 2006

Few films ever get put on Roger Ebert’s “Great Films List” the moment they are released. Pan’s Labyrinth is one of the few to have that honor. Ebert knew right away that Guillermo had made a masterpiece. Guillermo Del Toro’s fantasy-war film is an epic undertaking. It has fantastical elements of a fairy tale, but the shocking realities of a war film. It has a dead-on technical brilliance that moved Del Toro into the category of visionary genius along with Cameron, Speilberg, Lucas, and Jackson. None of the four have come close to delivering such powerful visuals along with such a humanistic story.

    4. Babel - 2006


    The only other movie in recent memory to get added to Ebert ‘s “Great Films List” almost immediately. This move split audiences. I call it one of my favorite movies and I can’t put my finger on why. It isn’t exactly the most critically acclaimed film ever, but says something provocative about human beings. If you haven’t seen Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu’s break out film Amores Perros, go check it out first. Like his earlier films, Babel follows the lives of strangers connected by a single “event”. What makes the Babel so different is the “event” is almost incidental, even irrelevant. Babel hopes to show us how we share this planet with each other and are so little alike, but ironically, so similar. Also, the Japanese segment is most certainly relevant and probably the most emotionally involved. Four of the ten movies on this list are a part of the Mexican New Wave, a film movement which deserves attention and deep admiration.

    3. Lord of the Rings Trilogy

    Not much can be said about the Trilogy. It should be number one. It is epic and wonderful. At any moment in my life I’ll immediately be ready to sit down and watch all three films. What a genius Jackson and company are. What an awesome, bold move it was to finance all three films at once, unknowing of Jackson’s potential. What a powerful hold Jackson, and his writing team, have on the hero’s journey and the art of story. Even Robert McKee was probably impressed…maybe…

    2. City of God – 2002

    I choose this film as a Alternate DVD pick of the week on my last podcast and with good reason. It is truly a masterpiece. It could be called The Godfather of our time. I laughed off comparisons with Gomorrah, a similar look at crime, but focuses on  a modern-day Italian crime. COG was largely ignored on its release, but has been steam-rolling towards greatness ever since. It deserves to be sought out and hailed as the best film of all time. Fernando Meirelles hired no-name actors off the street and made dramatic characters out of them. How many characters are as memorable as Lil Ze? It moves with the pace of an action movie, but holds the emotional center of a great epic. It should be studied in film school and analyzed by any would-be filmmakers. It can be enjoyed by any class, creed, or nationality, even Americans, despite its length and subtitles. It is not number one for no other reason but I personally like the number one more.

    1. Y Tu Mama Tambien – 2001

    When people ask me what my favorite movie is, nine times out of ten I answer : Y Tu Mama Tambien. Why? Fuck if I know. Some movies just effect you deeply at a vulnerable time in your life. I’ve read that Gene Siskel saw Saturday Night Fever, another coming-of-age story, seventeen times on its release and bid on, and won, the suit worn by Travolta at the end of the film. You could say I have a similar affinity for Alfonso Cuaron’s story.

    Most people respond, “Isn’t that about two gay dudes that kiss?” Well, yes. Kind of. It is about two boys who ultimately kiss and have feelings that are bisexual-in-nature. But it isn’t simply a “gay” movie. Like Chasing Amy isn’t just a “gay” movie. Tambien is about death, poverty, class hierarchy, sexuality, machismo, and about a thousand other things. If you’re a male and remember what being young and having sex was like, there is no reason this movie shouldn’t resonate with you.

    Top Ten Super Hero Films

    10. Superman

    Most the Superman films are bad. Really bad. In fact, Superman isn’t really that good either. But it was a huge step forward in the genre. It nudges a few better movies off the list for just being made before everything else.
    9. Batman


    Tim Burton’s original Batman film is very good. It changed the genre for the good. If you’ve ever seen a comic-book movie before it, you know I’m right. Jack Nichelson’s version of The Joker is also really fun.

    8.The Crow

    Alex Proyas came out with this gem and Dark City very close to each other. Both are incredibly good films. Make sure you see both. I feel like The Crow has been lost in the fray of new comic book movies. See it!

    7. Hell Boy


    As far as origin stories go, this one isn’t bad. It is fun and action packed. It is one of those films you sit through annoyed, knowing it is just a prequel to a better film to come.

    6. X-2

    X-men 2 is a decent adapation of the X-men comic-book/television series. I’ve never been happy with any of the X-men movies. I’ve softened to them recently but still hate the third. This remains the most effective, thought-out version. The Nightcrawler, as my brother has convinced me, might be the most successfully realized comic-book character ever.

    5. Spiderman 2


    My brother and I have loved Sam Raimi’s movies since we were little. It can never be emulated the joy of discovering his classics such as Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, and Army of Darkness, etc. I felt a little bit of that joy when watching his follow-up to Spiderman.

    4. Batman Begins
    It was out done by its sequel, but remains the best origin film ever. It is so dark. So realistic. We actually begin to believe the possibility Batman could exist in real time and space. Christopher Nolan was destined to be an indie psychological thriller director until he helmed the batman series and became a household name. Thank god for that.
    3. Watchman

    Like so many, I came to Watchman through the graphic novel. It is a great book and a great movie. Zach Synder’s adaptation is not perfect, but it as close as it is going to get. The change to ending was also a wise choice. This isn’t the best comic book movie ever, but it never had a chance to be. The book’s narrative and structure are too complicated for a perfect screen adaptation. I’m still waiting for the perfect directors cut.

    2. Hell Boy 2


    This is such an entertaining movie. Some director’s films sweat joy. I don’t know exactly what that means. But some films you can just tell the directors love making movies. Francois Truffaut claimed that he was only interested in the joy or pain of filmmaking. It really applies to movies like this. I remember walking out of this movie and claiming it was the best comic book movie ever made. The Dark Knight came out a few weeks later…

    1. The Dark Knight

    I love this movie. What makes this a perfect film, as well as being the best action film ever made, is its ability to cross all audiences without sacrificing quality. Christopher Nolan’s follow-up to Batman Begins gets everything right. The action occurs in front of the camera, the tension, the musical score, the IMAX photography, the suspense is built through characters we believe, and Heath Ledger’s performance make this the best Superhero film ever made.

    10. Super Mario Bros.
    This movie is so bad it is kind of good. It might be the biggest failure in filmmaking history though.

    9. Wing Commander

    I’ve seen this movie recently and man, it is a disgrace to such a cool game. Wing Commander was probably the first video game I ever really got into. Whatever, still cool to watch.

    8. Max Payne

    This movie is fucking awful. Wait I’m doing the good movies, right? Yep. But video game adaptations suck. My brother and I adore this video game, but the movie was a little cool to watch.

    7. Silent Hill

    It really is a decent film. The video game is so fucking scary though. You might want to stick with the video game.

    6. Hitman

    This is one of the few movies that is actually better than the video game. I hated, hate, and will always hate the Hitman series. The film is violent, action-packed, and totally unrelated to the original.

    5. Stree Fighter

    I don’t know where to put this movie on the list. A few years ago it would have been higher. I loved this movie as a kid and adored Van Damme and Raul Julia. Then I watched it again a few months ago and yikes…

    4. Mortal Kombat

    I have to take serious issue with Paul Anderson’s films. I want to dislike the man, but can’t. His movies are okay. This is one of his best. Plus, the soundtrack to this film is great. That techno single, god damn that is badass. (Note: Christopher Lambert as Raiden biggest miscast ever?)

    3. Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

    I am a huge Final Fantasy fan. I’ve beaten nearly ever single US released version and awaited the release of this film like the second coming of jesus. FF7, Tactics, and FF8 had been released leading up to this movie. I was floored. It ended up being a weird science fiction film. Real good movie, but almost ruined Squaresoft financially and I never got into it. It had NOTHING to do with the video games. Then Advent children was released. (*Gulp* I just puked a little.)

    2. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider

    I really like this movie a lot. Angelina Jolie is so sexy, playing the role as well as a series actress can. She gives real legitmacy to this movie. Danial Craig is also a lot of fun as her love interest who is on the wrong side. It is so dumb, but so fun.

    1. Resident Evil 1,2,3

    Really? Yes and trust me, I know good movies. It took me almost 5 years to except these movies were good. I was furious seeing them for the first time. I thought, “How could you do this?! This videogame changed videogames! It could have been the scariest film ever made! I could write a better movie any day of the fuckin’ week”. When this annoyance passed. I started to really enjoy the audacity of these action action/horror films. It is a series I watch often now. But regardless, this genre remains one of worst genres in filmmaking.

    10. The Ring

    I love Naomi Watts. My brother and I are both obsessed with this fairly unknown Aussie gem. We also both hate this movie. It is certainly not scary. When researching my top ten scariest movies list I crushed to see The Ring so high up.

    9. American Beauty

    This movie is good. But is it great? I really don’t think so. I think it just barely scratches the surface of white suburbia. It is outdone by better films about the same subject, Happiness and Little Children come to mind.

    8. Blair Witch Project

    This is the only movie on this list I personally dislike. I never liked this movie. It isn’t scary. Anyone who thought it was real was just kidding themselves. And it cash out on the ideas of a bigger and better film Cannibal Holocaust.

    7. The Departed

    Right. Why is this movie on the list? Well, because the departed is just good. I don’t think it is great. I don’t think it was the best picture of that year and I certainly don’t think think it was Scorsese’s time to win an oscar, Raging Bull was.

    6. Chariots of Fire

    I just didn’t like this movie. Doesn’t mean you will.

    5. Pulp Fiction

    Quentin Tarintino pisses me off. For no good reason too. His movies are great. Kill Bill is one of my favorite movies. Frankly speaking, Pulp Fiction is a very good movie. But everyone my age cites it as the best film ever. Please. There are parts in the movie that don’t work and it is a bit slow. Is it the best film of the 90s? I hope not.

    4. Boondock Saints

    Anyone who really loves movies shouldn’t like this one. If I reviewed I’d probably give it a D. It is a good premise that went horribly wrong. William Dafoe dressing up as a chick and fighting dudes kept this one from being an F.

    3. Good Will Hunting

    Good movie. Not great. Gus Van Sant can and has done better. If you’re looking for a great Van Sant movie check out Milk. One of the best films of the decade.

    2. A Time to Kill

    Joel Shumacer’s courtroom drama comes to the all the right conclusions and says all the right things. But bad people doing bad things shouldn’t shock anybody. The film never looks into why they do bad things though. Or investigates the black side of the story. Time to Kill knows how satisfy its audience but it really doesn’t come to any tough conclusions.

    1. Clerks

    Kevin’s Smith debut is just okay. I’ve heard it acclaimed as genius. Not quite. It is a fun film and the characters are well drawn. But the dialogue is too rehearsed. It doesn’t seem to be happening in real time. It comes off as a movie that

    Page 2 of 212