An Unbiased Look At Horror Remakes

By Devon Gilbert

Sorry George, you got owned

Of course, by now it’s common knowledge that remakes have taken Hollywood by storm.  Many people bitch about them, but somehow they continue to make a lot of money.  It seems the horror genre has been hit the hardest with this craze.  As an avid horror movie fan I must say that this craze hasn’t really bothered me.  Sure I wish there was more original horror movies, but I don’t mind remakes.  In fact, usually the remakes are better than the original.

Though many people think that’s blasphemy to say, it’s the truth.  The Dawn of the Dead remake absolutely is a more intense and entertaining movie than George A Romero’s original.  The original is okay for its time, but I find it way too boring for today’s times.  And the update from slow zombies to fast zombies is crucial.  Anybody who likes slow zombies better than the fast zombies is truly ignorant and deserves to be eaten.  It seems painfully obvious that a zombie running full blast at you is scarier than one that is moving at a snails pace.  But I digress.  Rob Zombie’s new Halloween is more entertaining than John Carpenter’s original.  I give Carpenter a lot of credit for creating a classic movie, but frankly it’s too boring to watch.  It’s a slasher movie with no gore or intensity.  Zombie’s remake isn’t original like Carpenter’s was; but it is funny, vulgar, violent, and highly watchable.  The Texas Chainsaw Massacre:  The Beginning disturbs me far more than any of the old Massacre movies including, of course, the original.  Friday the 13^th remake hands down trumps any of the previous 10 Friday movies, though to be fare that series sucked and the remake is merely okay.  I could list many more examples from The Crazies to The Last House on The Left, but instead I’ll summarize my point.  There are a lot of old horror classics that were great for their time but now are way to tame/weak for a post Saw/Hostel cinema.  Updating them is wise.

That being said there are some horror remakes that fail.  A Nightmare on Elm Street remake comes to mind, as it was almost a complete failure.  It wasn’t as good as the original in practically every way possible, including special effects, which is just pathetic.  The Hitcher remake was also dull and unmemorable which is opposite of the original.  Another example is The Fog remake, which I found to be absolutely terrible whereas I thought Carpenter’s original was okay.  Though I could name a few more, what’s the point when there is about to be a slew more to add to the bad pile.

Yeah, that screams PG-13

Basically I’ve seen more remakes I liked than didn’t but now it seems Hollywood is going to far.  There are two upcoming remakes in particular that I really find truly appalling.  According to www.slashfilm.com there will be a Hellraiser remake, and the Weinsteins (who control the rights) plan on making it for a teen audience aka it’s going to be PG-13.  I can’t even begin to say how ridiculous that is.  Clive Barkers’ original still holds up well with its gross visuals, cool creature effects, and adult themes of suffering/eroticism.  There’s no way of turning that into a PG-13 movie with out dropping most of, if not all of, the story so why even bother?  The original Hellraiser also had a dark tone that can’t be translated into a teen movie.  The minute there’s goofy horny teens and pop music, the serious atmosphere is gone.  And let me find out Pinhead is going to be popping out of corners screaming “Gottcha” at high school kids before killing them off screen.  Shameful. That’s all I got to say.  Shameful.  But that’s not the worst case.

From this...

I’ve made it pretty clear on this website that Pascal Laugier’s Martyrs is one of the best horror movies ever made.

...to this? Somethin' ain't right

It is disturbing on many levels, brutal, genuinely scary, and thought provoking in a sick way.  It’s a ferocious ride that doesn’t let on where it’s going until you arrive to a very sadistic ending.  Since it’s French it hasn’t fully captured a huge audience in America yet, which I’m guessing has some to do with not being shown in US theaters.  I figure it’s the type of movie that will gain a large audience over the years.  But alas, it looks like a Hollywood remake will ruin its reputation before that’s possible.  According to www.slashfilm.com the two people attached to the project so far is Twilight producer Wyck Godfrey and Vacancy screenwriter Mark L. Smith.  To make matters worse, Godfrey is thinking about casting Kristen Stewart as the lead.  And to make matters unbearable, some of Godfrey’s comments allude to the idea of cutting or taming much of Martyrs intensity.  It’s hard to imagine a worse trio to take on the remake.  Godfrey’s Twilight series is one of the worst blockbuster series to ever be produced, and for a story featuring vampires it is incredibly dull.  If anyone can make a girl slashing herself because of visions of a grotesque naked old woman dull, it’s Godfrey.  I’ve seen only one movie written by Smith, Vacancy, and remember it was barely okay.  Nothing memorable.  Nothing that makes me think he can tackle a masterpiece.  As for Kristen Stewart, this movie needs a more intense actress.  Critics like to over praise her, I believe because they feel bad about not liking the Twilight movies. Stewart has been okay in some movies, like The Runaways and Adventureland, but that’s her at her best.  Her lack of screen presence and the inability to get people on her side make her a terrible pick.  Not to mention, true fans of horror will be disgusted to see any Twilight star in a serious horror movie.  As a side note though, there would be some pleasure in seeing Stewart face all manner of abuse.  In short, a Martyrs remake is a terrible idea made even worse thru the people involved.  It’s bound to be disgraceful; I just hope it doesn’t tarnish the original.

So the point is that horror remakes can be a great idea, but there are some you just don’t fuck with.  Many old horror movies that are considered classics really do suffer from dated pacing, music, effects, and gore.  Updating them for modern times can really improve them.  Of course some remakes will fail, that’s just the nature of making movies in general.  However, there are a small crop of horror movies that just shouldn’t be touched because they were perfectly made and can only be remade into something worse, like Martyrs and The Shining (no remake on that yet…knock on wood.)  Others, like Hellraiser, could possibly be made into a better movie if great talents and motivations were involved, but will likely fail due to disrespect toward the original material.  If horror remakes are going to continue to be a trend (and they will), Hollywood needs to learn what they can and can’t do, and have the respect and talent to do it right.

Mr. Weinstein, please don't have this crew dance to Lady Gaga