We’ve run out of money so who’s going to pay? Police and teachers of course

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Once every few years, we have to accept it’s time to pay for the piles of fun we’ve been having. For example, in 2008 we had to pay for when investment bankers crashed the world economy.

Obviously, the one group which couldn’t be expected to contribute was investment bankers.

Not only would this be unfair, but investment bankers are an essential service.

Without them, we’d spend all day crying: “Please, please get an investment banker round here, there are investments all over the house and I need them banked.

“I can’t watch Strictly Come Dancing because the investments are piled up in front of the TV. There’s nowhere to put the milk because the fridge is full of investments.”

So the people who paid for it were those who did nothing useful – firefighters, teachers, police, that sort of thing. Now we’ve run out of money again, because of a pandemic, and this week the Government decided who has to pay.

Would you want £5m to hose down Matt Hancock?
(Image: REUTERS)

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This time they opted for firefighters, teachers, the police, that sort of thing.

So they have had their pay frozen for three years.

But pay wasn’t frozen for the companies awarded £17billion worth of contracts by the Government during the pandemic.

The National Audit Office discovered a company was 10 times more likely to be awarded contracts if it had a link to MPs, peers and ministers’ offices.

Boris Johnson made a surprise announcement for the forces
(Image: PA)

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So if firefighters want a pay rise, instead of wasting time up a ladder, they should marry a Tory lord.

During the wedding reception, they’d get a £5million contract for hosing down Matt Hancock.

SG Recruitment was paid £50million, and is run by the chair of a Conservative Association, who’s a friend of David Cameron.

So if teachers are worried about money, instead of dossing about without lessons, they should make the effort to become David Cameron’s next-door neighbour.

And business studies lessons should go: “Today we’re going to learn how to start a successful business. First, you become the best friend of someone in the Cabinet.

The British aircraft carrier HMS Queen Elizabeth
(Image: Reuters)

"Then you ask for £670,000 to supply something you don’t know anything about, such as frog spawn. That should do it. There’s a test tomorrow to see if you’ve remembered this.”

Boris Johnson also announced there would be billions of extra pounds for the military, in particular the Navy.

You can see why this is a priority, as the one organisation that’s kept us going this year has been the Navy.

When our elderly are stuck indoors, it’s the Navy that helps them out, delivering their shopping by cruising to their doorstep in a frigate.

If you have young children in need of home schooling, the first thing you look for to help you out is an aircraft carrier.

I may have found the reason for Boris Johnson’s sudden enthusiasm for the Navy.

The Government paid £670,000 to a firm called Admiral Public Relations, run by a long-term associate of Dominic Cummings’ father-in-law.

I expect Boris approved the deal, thinking Admiral Public Relations was the man in charge of the fleet defending Gibraltar.

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