Dom’s been pulling Carrie’s hair, Lee’s in a mood and Allegra’s in tears. Welcome to the Not So Secret Life of Four Year Olds

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HE hates HER . She says he and his mate are bullies. He has been expelled, that one's spent the afternoon crying, the other one's pulled everyone's hair, and now Princess Nut Nuts has run to tell the teacher, who has locked himself in the stationery cupboard.

Welcome to the poo-spattered blast zone at the centre of the new season of the Not-So-Secret Life of Four Year Olds, known to its detractors as the Westminster Blubble.

The fact the country is being run by some petty, self-obsessed, semi-humans may go some way towards explaining why, exactly, it is that the nation is fighting crises on about 16 simultaneous fronts, and losing most of them.

Frankly, things have got so unhinged that all No10 Downing Street needs at this point is some jelly and a keg of Sunny Delight to precipitate nuclear war with No11.

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"Can I get away with saying this is all your fault?"
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But let us take a moment, before the inevitable self-immolation of the entire class, to ask ourselves what else has been happening while the early years' playground has been getting over-tired.

  • 51,934 dead
  • £4billion missing, presumed conned
  • 2m in need of a council house
  • 30% unable to afford the basics
  • £2trillion of national debt

And there's just 6 weeks until a Brexit that was promised but cannot exist, either within a) the international legal framework on which the entire world relies for peace and prosperity, or b) this particular dog leg of space-time. At least, not without some serious alteration in the laws of physics that would allow us to control a border that cannot be seen, policed, or closed.

Oh, and did I mention the end of democracy in the most powerful nation on Earth, where an even angrier toddler has been told, 76million times, to sit on the naughty step, and is trying to get out of it by being naughtier than ever?

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PS still no wall, folks
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There are two questions burning a hole in my head. First, what game do these brats think they're playing? And secondly, what the HELL makes them think this is a game?

The number of people who've died after contracting coronavirus is an undercount of the overall death toll, and is a little less than one full Anfield. To think of it another way, it's 540 Hillsboroughs, or the equivalent of burning 721 Grenfell Towers to the ground in the hope of creating herd immunity to toxic smoke.

The £4bn of government pandemic contracts given to private companies without any scrutiny, or any information made public about what they were for or to whom they were paid, is FIVE TIMES the size of Donald Trump's personal debt mountain. To earn that kind of cash, Boris Johnson would need to write his £250,000-a-year 'chicken feed' newspaper column for 16,000 years.

Before the pandemic, about 4m of us lived in social housing. In less than a year, demand for it has reached the equivalent of TWO Birminghams, or FOUR Leeds.

And when the Resolution Foundation is able to present evidence today that a third of us cannot afford heating, or food, or other essential bills, then we're looking at a nation that is increasingly divided into the haves, the have-nots, and the absolutely-buggered.

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If this is a game, it's the one played by the cruellest and most ingeniously-vindictive of gods, one in which the lives of millions are dependent upon the roll of a loaded dice. And someone has given the board over to narcissistic, less-than fully-formed humans who are barely able to button their shirts.

It's also not supposed to be a game. That's why we vote for our governments – they promise, at the very least, to take responsibility for fair play, and observing the rules. What keeps them playing nicely with us is the very likely consequence of being booted from power if they don't.

This lot – *gestures vaguely at the noisiest people* – seem to be under the impression there are no consequences. That we do not care what they do, and that we think our lives and mental health matter as little as they seem to think they do.

And that's the basic problem. Not only are we being run by four-year-olds, and not only are they playing with life and death in ways they cannot understand, but they honestly think that when this train set is broken someone will just give them another one.

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It's a failure of parenting, when children get old enough to attend school with so little grasp of what's important that they are unable to learn once they get there. It's not hard for mostly-functioning adults to teach their little ones the basics of empathy, listening, and thinking. But it would appear that those with the responsibility for raising the current crop in Downing Street either made some serious SNAFUs, or paid someone who cocked it up for them.

And it's a failure in us – in the electorate, and the media, which are both filled with older children who have seen this sort of crap play out a million times – that they saw the bouncy brat who flounced out of the last government over a lie he'd told on a whim and thought "let's give THAT one the reins of power".

Of course he promoted children even worse than he. Of course they all think it's a game. And of course they were going to make a mess, pandemic or not.

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There is not a single thing that's happened since 2016 which your average nursery teacher could not have predicted, if you'd put her charges in Downing Street. The nation's parents, and other concerned grown-ups, seem to be finally noticing the catastrophic din and the associated costs.

And there are hundreds of thousands of bereaved people, told daily that their loved one did/didn't die because of Covid-19, that masks are/aren't necessary, that cash is/isn't available, and that, no matter what, Brexit will go ahead because what really matters in a crisis is bit of blind ideological self-harm to take our minds off it.

So where are we now? The teacher has promised a reset, while giving himself detention. Two children have left, but plenty of others remain. We probably won't get a chance to deliver any consequences until 2024.

What is needed, then, is a supply teacher. One of the tough nuts, not some drippy, pretty boy who wants everyone to like him. Because for how much longer are we prepared to listen to the sounds of breaking glass, and splintering wood, and the never-ending tantrums?

Send in the cleaners, and get rid of the clowns. Someone, for preference, who knows what 'labour' means.

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