Top Ten Scariest Films

Read the intro first, please!!

Dopeness vs Scariness:

The following are not examples of the “best” horror movies! They are the scariest. My brother and I discussed this at length on our podcast. It is important to note the difference between “dopeness” and “scariness” My brother and I fleshed out the difference as dopeness is enjoying violence whilst scariness is fearing the violence…. I think that makes sense. Regardless, a quick comment on scariness:

Horror films and the “gotcha” moment:

I hate most horror films for two reasons and most American horror films are guilty of both.

1. Too much character development:

I don’t care about the background of a person who is just going to get hacked up. The age old defense of this is that when people “care” about the characters there is more empathy, therefore more fear. True, but it just doesn’t work in teen slasher movies. I could go into why, but this is a top ten list.

2. Fucking “gotcha moments”:

I fucking hate them. If Paranormal Activity is the best American horror can give, we’re in a lot of trouble…..a lot. When I go on a haunted hay ride and a mother fucker jumps out at me….I’m scared. Why? Because I , like you, evolved from apes to be pumped full of adrenaline when shit jumps out at me

Recently, my kitty Nibs jumped out at me from behind a closet and I screamed, “Holy, fucking, shit!”. My heart was raising. She’s so cute and precious and if she could talk would have said, “Gotcha!”. Having loud music when things jump out, and shit like that, is not scary. It is talentless garbage.

Get with the program people. Real life serial killers are scary. Weirdness is scary. Surrealism is scary. Madness is scary. Excellent use of mood and atmosphere is scary. The size and expansion of the universe is scary….but that is a different story. Anyway, movies that really are scary:

The list

10. Halloween

I hate adding this because it is guilty, more than any other movie, for ruining and perfecting modern American horror. It gave American horror a masterpiece to emulate. Regardless, this is a great movie. Scary, tense, and patient. Its violence is VERY tame by today’s standards, which is mad lame, but what are you going to do.

9. The Shining

I got tons of shit for having this at number 9. Maybe I’m wrong. But I think it is too “dope” to be taken too seriously as a scary film. But what about the twins and naked rotting lady? Well, that IS really scary. That is why it is on the list. And of course the dude in a dog suit might be one of the scariest shots in American horror.

8. Open Water

This is a little indie movie that a lot of people probably haven’t seen. It is based on a real life couple that got left off the coast of Port Douglas, Australia when they were scuba diving. The couple is stung by jelly fish, eaten by sharks, and all kinds of shit.  This movie made me want to vomit for some reason. I have an irrational fear of the ocean and especially being left alone at sea. Fucking gross.

7. 28 Days later

FAST ZOMBIES! Finally!  This movie is fucking awesome. It might be too dope to land on this list but I don’t care. Fast zombies are scary as shit.  The ruthlessness of the human beings is hella’ disturbing.

6. Jacob’s Ladder

A movie I don’t watch much. I hate it because of the way it makes me feel. It is so weird. So fucking surreal that I can’t handle it. Sometimes movies just nail “a feel” and make it really uncomfortable to watch.

5. Rosemary’s Baby

Most people suck this movie’s dick. I think it is a masterpiece, but I don’t want to over do it too much. It is a bit dated but nails technique, mood, and style.

4. Inland Empire

A two hour + ride with David Lynch doing whatever he wants. Period.

3. Inside

A french masterpiece. Find the uncut version for christ sake. Moreover, it is the pinnacle of the new french extremity. A genre which if you haven’t checked out. Check it out now.

2.Repulsion

A black and white movie from the 60s being scary? Believe it. No bullshit. See this movie. It has one of the only gotcha moments I think is earned. Before Polanski’s wife got murdered and EVEN before he decided butt banging young girls was all good, he made this masterpiece. A disturbing movie by a disturbed dude.

1.The Exorcist

The scariest movie of all time…in my opinion. It is a horror movie in the truest sense of the word and ends with only dread and despair. I’m going to be watching this one on Halloween….I wanna see if it still has got it.

by Collin Gilbert