Nine

I heard many complaints about producers fiddling with the work of directors while I was in college. I always agreed. How dare they? As I get older, however, I’m starting to sympathize more and more with the plight of a movie executive. This movie cost 80 million dollars according to Wikipedia. Poor bastards. They’re doomed.

Movies like Nine really help change my mind. What a fuck up. When I was watching the trailer I commented that the movie has no audience. Who has really seen 8 ½? Nine was aimed at middle-aged women and up. For the record, the theater I was in was packed wall to wall with gray-haired old ladies. They most certainly couldn’t have liked it. This movie sucked. I mean really bad. Coming from me, who likes almost every stage and film musical ever made, that is saying something.

This movie is an adaptation of a musical that won a Tony for best musical, which itself was an adaptation of Federico Fellini’s great autobiographical film about himself. Now going in, I’m guessing some of the old ladies in the theater had heard of 8 ½, but had never seen it. But I figured it didn’t matter. The music, story, and performances would be great, enough at least to keep them entertained. The story is based on Federico Fellini and his struggles with dealing with the women in his life, an upcoming film he can’t seem to make, and having writers block, or “filmmakers” block. The film is packed with celebrities and stars: Daniel-Day Lewis Judi Dench Nicole Kidman, Marion Cottillard, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson, and Fergie.

First off, the music was bad. There wasn’t one great song. Nothing I could hum or become emotionally attached with. This despite the fact there were great themes to deal with as well. Fergie comes the closest to having a hit. She performs the song with range and sexual tension. “Be Italian” is a very good song, but it isn’t great. Moreover, “My husband makes movies” has moments that are extraordinary, but still falls down into a category of okay, not great. Not to mention Daniel-Day Lewis has finally proven he can do poorly in a role. He was not made for this movie. His voice is ordinary and I imagine that Rob Marshall was so psyched to have one of the best modern actors in his movie, he just settled. I’d read the stage version starred Raul Julia. Now that guy would have been fun to watch. Moreover, no one really fit well into their characters because they were never given to us as characters, just celebrities. There are curious moments where the songs feel contrived, inserted into a non-musical adaptation of 8 ½ and hoping the audiences didn’t notice the awkwardness. It felt almost Bollywood, but without the charm. If you’ve never seen a Bollywood movie, musical numbers are often inserted into dramas out of nowhere. Moulin Rouge was supposed to be an American Bollywood film. Rouge was an extraordinary movie, Nine’s song just felt out of place.

To top it all off, Antonio Banderas was turned down for the role of Guido. What a waste. He is a fantastic singer, has loads of sex appeal, and would at least look Italian…ish. But still, I’d probably be complaining that this movie had no good numbers for such a great performer. Hopefully a good musical will come around that I can watch Banderas in and a great character drama I can watch Daniel- Day Lewis in.

Release date: December 2009

Collin Says: D-

You’ll Say: F